Excerpt from the book, “Essays from Dysfunctional Families: Dysfunctional Betrayal”

Jonathan Y.

Laurel, Montana

Unlike most people I do not visit my family much. I still have a difficult time forgiving them for what they have done to me. And it is not the fact of what they have done, but the fact that they have never acknowledged it nor apologized. I have two brothers, a father, and an absent mother. My mom was a drug addict. She’s clean now, but sometimes I think it’s too late. I barely saw her growing up because she constantly bounced in and out of jail and rehab. So I was raised by my father who was a lawyer and spent most of his time in courtrooms or his office. My brothers are older than me, I’m the youngest. So basically everything I know or learned I learned it from them.

When I was ten years old my oldest brother who was seventeen introduced me to sex. We were alone at home and he was watching a porn video he had gotten from a friend of his. He was watching a scene of a woman performing fellatio on a man and he asked me if I knew what that felt like and I answered no. He then got us both naked and that day was my first sexual experience. After that day I was sexually active with my brother at least once a week until I was about seventeen. While he was away at college the only time I was with him was when he came home for spring, winter, and summer break.

When I was eleven my other brother who was fourteen started having sex with me and there were times when we had threesomes. Many times. It started to feel “natural” and I began to look forward to it. The only reason why I began to enjoy it was because I was told to. When I told my dad what was going on I was about twelve years old. My father simply said, just sit back and enjoy the pleasure of it, because it won’t last long. I was shocked by his response, but thought it was okay being that my father said it. Although I was cleared by my father there was still a part of me that knew it was wrong so I never shared what was going on with anyone in my family or my friends. I wanted to tell my mother, but she was never sober or home enough for me to tell her.

I was seventeen when the sex ended with my oldest brother and nineteen when the sex ended with my other brother. The thing that makes me the angriest is when we get together. I am now thirty and any time we get together I feel like I went through the pain alone. Both my brothers are married with children and I cannot understand how they could just get married and have children as if none of this ever happened. I do everything I can to not see them because there is a part of me that wants to molest my brother’s children as revenge. I believe my father thinks what we did was okay because we were children.

My mother doesn’t even have a clue what happened. Every time I look at my brothers I stare them in the eyes, but they look away. I think they are too ashamed and fearful to talk about it. I guess they feel if you don’t talk about it then you don’t have to deal with it, but I cannot live another day pretending this never happened. I have been to counseling and it seems to help, but until my family can face facts I think it might be best to never see them again. I try my best to forgive my mother because I blame her the most. I feel like if she would have been sober enough she could have saved me.

Excerpt from the book, “Essays from Dysfunctional Families: Dysfunctional Betrayal”
https://www.amazon.com/Essays-Dysfunctional-Families-Betrayal-Version/dp/1505654165/ref=sr_1_2?crid=MLNO3WTFPEKS&keywords=essays+casey+bell&qid=1642527200&sprefix=essays+casey+bell%2Caps%2C67&sr=8-2