Excerpt from the book, “Essays from Dysfunctional Families: Dysfunctional Betrayal”

Excerpt from the book, “Essays from Dysfunctional Families: Dysfunctional Betrayal”

Allison K.

Village of Shorewood, Wisconsin

When I was seven years old, I was adopted by a gay couple. I really didn’t understand the concept, but I was happy to be living in a home and not at an adoption agency. They were really nice to me and treated me very well. I never wanted for anything. I guess you can say I was spoiled. However, there was always a part of me that wondered where my biological parents were. I would ask on occasion, but neither one of my dads would answer me. After being ignored I began to become that loud wheel. You know, the one that gets the most attention.

I would ask about my parents more frequently and would ask if we could go to the adoption agency and figure out where they are. Finally, after much reservation my dads caved in and took me to the agency. To my surprise my biological parents lived not too far away from me, but had signed papers stating they didn’t want to see me; that hurt. However, through dogged research I found both my grandparents and without my dads’ knowledge sought them out. Both sets of grandparents were happy to meet me. Through them I found out the truth about my parents. It was a truth that I did not want to know. Both my parents did not want a child at the time…the condom broke. I never in my life felt so unwanted and angry. My self-esteem was shot down to the ground, not that it was far from it in the first place, but I now wished I would have listened to my dads and left my real parents unknown.

I began to be reckless and on purpose. I felt like I had no reason to live. About a year later I broke the news to my dads. They were upset that I went behind their backs, but at that moment I didn’t care anymore. I did not care about life or them or anyone. I just wanted everyone to feel the same pain I was feeling consistently on a daily basis. Wanting to do to them what they did to me.

I did not have the courage to visit them. I would follow them secretly and do nasty little things like puncture their car tires or leave garbage at their front door. I was angry. They were still married, but had no children. So apparently they never wanted children. They just abandoned me like I was garbage. I never knew how deep the pain was until I began to consciously make terrible decisions. I was seventeen and I seduced this schoolboy, which was very easy. I told him I was on the pill, but I knew I wasn’t. To his surprise ten months later he was a father. He asked me if I was going to keep it, but I always skated around the question because I didn’t want him to know what I had in mind.

A month after having the baby I ran away from home and ended up in a town called Murdock, Minnesota. I found an adoption agency and dropped off my baby girl. I told them that I was too young to care for it and that my parents didn’t want to take care of her. I lied to them about my situation and even where I was from.

I left the agency and returned home. My parents were disappointed in me for some time after I told them what happened, but I didn’t care. For whatever reason there was a part of me that enjoyed what I did. I felt free to be the one to abandon instead of being abandoned.

It was about a year later that I began to feel depressed again about my real parents. I started to think of how good I felt to leave my daughter in Murdock, that I thought the only way to feel good was to do it again. So, I went to a local bar one night and went home with a married man. It was simple to lure him into bed. I convinced him that I was fixed and that I could not have children. It was easy because he was more than drunk.

I never told him I was pregnant. My dads however were livid that I was pregnant again. I didn’t tell them who it was that impregnated me. They think it was a boy I met from out of town.

This time I decided to travel to Michigan. Amadore is where I ended up. I did the same thing as the last time and left my baby. I can’t explain the high I felt from doing that. At this point I was getting older and decided to live on my own. My fathers were not pleased with the choices I was making and I didn’t care. I knew if I wanted to keep getting high off of abandonment I had to be alone.

I moved to Vinton, Iowa where I met this boy who said he loved me, but I never believed it. The first few times with him I didn’t get pregnant because he insisted on wearing condoms. It was soon that I got the idea to puncture his condom as I was putting it on him. I don’t think he realized what I had done. It was about six weeks later that I knew I was pregnant. I was afraid of what he might say so I moved to Sumner, Iowa. I left my third baby at an adoption agency in Sumner and soon moved to Wilton, Iowa.

I was starting to get tired of my actions and the high wasn’t so good anymore so I thought that it was time to stop. In Wilton I met this guy who I couldn’t help but get with so I did. This was the only time I had no intentions of getting pregnant, but I did. I knew that I didn’t want the baby, but I knew I didn’t want to go through another ten months of pregnancy so I got the idea to “accidentally” fall down the stairs. When I went to the doctor’s office not only did I have to wear a cast (I broke my arm), but the two-month old fetus was declared dead.

The good I felt inside was pure evil, but I could not shake it. I found a new high and I was confused as to whether or not do it again. To make a very long story short, after three more moves, two more miscarriages, and an abortion I ended up in jail for killing my eighth born child.

When I had her I did not know what to do with her. My only thought was to kill it. I tried to make it look like an accident, but those damn detectives knew how to detect. I am now in a facility for insane people. I receive counseling every day and wish I could have been born to parents who actually wanted me, because then there is a high percentage that my life story could have been different.

Excerpt from the book, “Essays from Dysfunctional Families: Dysfunctional Betrayal”
https://www.amazon.com/Essays-Dysfunctional-Families-Betrayal-Version/dp/1505654165/ref=sr_1_2?crid=MLNO3WTFPEKS&keywords=essays+casey+bell&qid=1642527200&sprefix=essays+casey+bell%2Caps%2C67&sr=8-2