Ten Days and Probation
CAUGHT RED-HANDED
So at the age of nineteen Dub and I had ended our sexual relationship. I do not know why it ended. We never discussed ending it we just did. Every time we met we had sex at least once. Usually more than once. But one day he came over and nothing happened. And since that day we never had sex again. I was still heavily addicted to porn, food, and because my sex life had ended I was masturbating even more. It was then at the age of twenty that I did something completely stupid, but to make a long story short one day in January in the year of 2003 the police were at the door and I was at the police station arrested for uploading and downloading child porn. At this moment I thought my life was over and I would never be able to do anything ever again. As I was sitting there answering their questions I was hoping it was a nightmare and that I would wake up. The one thing that made me very angry was the fact that the police officers (two of them) openly lied to me. Their exact words were, “If you tell us everything we will let you go (back home) and we will make sure the judge knows you cooperated with us.” So my dumb-ass told them everything and from there I wasn’t at home I was in jail. I was angry that they lied to me so much that I quickly became a cop hater. I was signing those 1980’s hip-hop cop killer songs. But I was angrier with myself for talking to those cops. I soon was in prison and very afraid. I kept to myself and said as less as I could. Soon I was transferred to another part of the prison and was even more afraid. The one thing I hated the most about prison is how nosy everyone is. Everyone kept asking me what I was in for and I wanted to say none of your business, but I was too passive for that. People were nice to me, but soon all that crap I told the police was in the newspaper and the prisoners came to my bed and was angry with me. It was at that point I had wished I lied to them when they asked me my name. I was really afraid I was going to get either beat or raped, but thank God for His protection. After being bullied (verbally) by hypocrites (wrong is wrong, never think your wrong is less than someone else’s. If you are in jail and know you are guilty you have no right condemning anyone else) I kept to myself and decided not to eat. I went on a fast (it was supposed to help me change, but it didn’t). I began that day in prison a “forty days forty nights” fast and it was soon that I was bailed out and I was too happy.
COMING HOME
After being bailed out I was happy to be out of prison, but too ashamed to see anyone. I did not want anyone to see me and really I just wanted to die. When I went back to church they welcomed me with warm arms. I hated it though. Knowing they knew what I did. I was hiding it all that time and now it was all out in the open. Not all, but many of my family members knew what happened and even they still loved me. It was nice to know that I was loved, but I still hated what I had done and I hated that they knew. From being in prison I had missed the first week of school (college). I returned for my second semester at Kean University petrified. Thankfully the newspaper article was in a different county than Kean, but I still wasn’t sure who knew about me. So I hated (and even to this day) to say my name afraid they were (will) notice it from the newspaper article. I spent basically the rest of my Kean years in fear, but to my knowledge no one knew or at least they just did not bring it up. Actually I believe at least three people (students I knew from high school) knew, but never mentioned it. I had a great time at Kean, a wonderful time, really, but things only got worse (the addictions).
COURT ORDER
While I was in the process of being convicted (I plead guilty) I was ordered by the court to have counseling. I spent a little over a year and $150 a session with a psychiatrist. I hated every session because they weren’t working. Mostly my fault, but he would basically ask the same questions each time; and because I still wasn’t ready to give up the addictions. I was still looking at porn, masturbating, and well I will get to the eating later. I did not look at child porn, but I continued to look at all the other porn previously mentioned. I did abstain from masturbating for a period of time, but soon caved in and went for it for the first time in a long time. So, I felt pretty bad lying to the doctor because he would ask me if I was abstaining from the porn and masturbation and I would say yes, knowing the answer was no. It was at that point that I wasn’t so upset at the police anymore because I had just realized those lies they told me was just what I reaped (from me lying to my mother about porn). My mother asked me many times if I was looking at porn on the computer (prior to being arrested) and I always denied it. So it is really true; what goes around comes around. And it came around hard. So any way I never thought that I would ever have to get help from a shrink, but there I was on the couch talking about my life and fears to a man I really did not trust; and I did not care to be there and I just wanted my life to end.
This is an excerpt of my book, “Moving 4Ward.” Click Here For Your Copy Today
