The Stupidity of the American Wedding

Have you ever stopped to think how much sense a wedding does not make? Of course you haven’t. One of the main problems in America is everyone follows bandwagons without even asking where it’s going and who started it. They just blindly follow. I on the other hand was always the one to ask WHY. If something did not make sense to me I questioned it. Back in 2010 I started doing stand up comedy in New Jersey and New York. I was successful, but I did not have a passion for it so I quit in 2012. One of the bits I did was how weddings do not make any sense. This is the article version of the comedy bit.

If you take a part the wedding rituals, you will see none of them make any sense. But again, Americans are none for repeating what does not make any sense. Let us start from the beginning.

The first thing a couple does when they get engaged is look for a church. But why? If you go to church, just have it at your home church. And if you do not go to church, why are you having the wedding in a church. YHWH know’s you don’t go, so why do you think you need to have your wedding in a church? People were getting married in the Old Testament when there were no church. And in the New Testament before the church was established Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding. So, the fact that there are no scriptures that command you to have a wedding in a church why do you do it? Especially if you do not go on a regular basis, there is no sensible reason to have a wedding in a church. If you are not loyal to YHWH before you get married then don’t think you can honor HIM by having your wedding in a church. If you are a church goer then simply have it at your church home and if you are not then find a banquet or rental hall. There are no scriptures that say it is wrong.

The next step is to search for a pastor. Again, why? There were no pastors in the Old Testament and yet people were getting married. If you do not have a pastor then you do not need a pastor. If you are not someone who regularly goes to church, there is no reason to find a pastor to marry you. Again there is no scripture that instructs you to get a pastor to marry you. You simply need someone with a license. Don’t be so selfish to use the church for what you need, but not attend. That is self-centered. If you do not want to committed to a church then don’t ask them for anything. Further more asking a pastor to leave his/her church and marry you in another pastor’s church is just dumb.

Back in the old days, the ring bearer actually bore the rings. But he doesn’t anymore. So, why is he needed. What makes it worse is he is usually the one who does not want to be in the wedding and you have to carry him down the aisle while he kicks and screams. People laugh and say it’s cute. I say it’s dumb. The ring bearer is useless. He carries a pillow with plastic rings. He is not needed. Why do people spend hundreds of dollars for a tuxedo for a boy who is not needed? because that is what you do, when you follow bandwagons and don’t ask questions. You do useless things. If you have a ring bearer, have him have the actual rings. Otherwise do without him.

The bridesmaids and groomsmen are so unnecessary. Especially when you have more than three. Most Americans don’t even know the origins of either. In ancient times the original role of a bridesmaid, was that a maid. Not just at the wedding, but in the marriage. She would be the bride’s maid. Another look at history shares that the role of the bridesmaids were to dress exactly as the bride to confuse any ex-boyfriends, men, or evil spirits from taking the bride away. They would wear the exact dress and veil, so no one would know which one was the bride. As per the groomsmen back when men would capture their brides, the role of the groomsmen was to kidnap her for the groom or protect her from potential kidnappers. I could be wrong, but I don’t think in today’s times either one is needed. As per the best-man and maid of honor, there only use is to bear the rings, which is why the ring bearer is not needed. They also may assist the groom and bride, which I know in the bride’s case is needed, due to her gown. As per them needed to sign the marriage license, that indeed is not needed. Any wedding generally has 20–200 people. Any one of them can sign as a witness.

The origins of the flower girl came from the Roman Empire. Originally the girl would carry a wheat stalk, which symbolized prosperity. The girl carrying it was to symbolize fertility. Thus a girl carrying a wheat stalk was to bring prosperity and fertility to the couple to be. I am no financial advisor or reproductive endocrinologists, but I can assure you having a flower girl in your wedding will bring you neither. Now, I am not saying get rid of her, but you should at least know why she was included before you follow this bandwagon.

I believe most divorces happen because the couple cared more about the wedding than the marriage. They never even discussed the marriage, just the wedding. Spending hundreds even thousands of dollars on a dress or even tuxedo is completely stupid. Weddings always looks like (to me) someone is trying to impress people. And the question is, why? Your wedding is filled with family and friends. They shouldn’t need you to impress them. If they do, then they are not family and friends. You have ‘till death do you part. Why would you put thousands of dollars into a dress and wedding when you could put that into a savings, IRA, investing, stock, bonds, etc. Do you know how much return that is down the line? You should be saving for the marriage, not wasting for a wedding. Truth be told, Disney has lied to you and made you think you needed a big fluffy dress. And a famous Broadway Show and later film lied to you about diamonds. Did you know diamonds have no value? Either or you allowed television to make you think you needed to go in debt to be happy. If you are not happy before the wedding you will not be happy after the wedding. Lastly, I don’t understand why people lie at their wedding. If you know you cannot wear white, do not wear white. Especially if you have a child(ren).

I don’t understand why there is a bridal shower. If I am bringing gifts at the shower, why do I need to bring gifts to the wedding? And most of the gifts are appliances and/or needs for the home. If you do not have enough money to buy your needs, then maybe you shouldn’t be getting married. Maybe you should get your finances in order. Seriously, think about it. If you don’t not have enough finances for dishes, toasters, blenders, etc., why are you getting married? Marriage is not about combing together, it is about enhancing. You are supposed to be an enhancement to one another. You’re supposed to improve one another. If you both had your own dishes and housewares before marriage then you should have those and more once you get married. You should not need help and if you did, stay single until you can be an improvement to someone one. If you were struggling alone, you shouldn’t still be struggling together. And if you were not struggling alone, you definitely should not be struggling together. Whatever you had a part you should have that and more together.

Why is the reception usually an hour away from the church? You mean to tell me there were no churches near a banquet hall or a banquet hall near the church. Further more why not just have the wedding at the banquet hall? Again no scripture says you have to get married in a church. Why should I have to spend money to get you a gift and then spend gas money to travel from the wedding to the reception. Save me time, energy, gas, and money (feed four birds with one worm) and have it all in one location. One of my cousins had a wedding and in the basement of the church had the reception. And both sides of the family provided the food. That’s how they used to do it. Why spend thousands of dollars for catering? It’s okay if you are wealthy, but if you have debt, you should not be spending your hard earned money to create more debt. That is stupid. If your family wants to drink, tell them to BYOB. Why are you spending your money for someone else’s habit. And we all know how alcohol can ruin a wedding. it’s not even needed. You’re just adding more debt to your plate before you even get the marriage started. That is not sensible.

Again, if you have money spend it all on a DJ, but again, if you know you have debt, you do not need a DJ for the reception. Get you a CD player and some dance CD compilations or an mp3 player, tablet, or whatever and let one of the teenagers attending the wedding man the music. Pay him/her a few dollars and teach them how to be a freelancer. Your marriage will always be important. If you make the wedding important you have more of a chance getting a divorce than an arranged marriage. Just make sure one of those songs you play is the “Electric Slide.” That is the only thing that makes sense about the American wedding. The “Electric Slide” will make you stop everything and get on the dance floor. You can be the pastor counseling someone and soon as the song comes on you jump up and leave the counseling session, just to do the “Slide.” You can be a parent spanking their child and will stop midway just to do the “Slide.” You can be the groom in the bathroom on the down low with the best-man and leave just to do the “Slide.” (LOL)

My Conclusion:

Americans have many traditions that are dumb, if they only took the time to research the origins. But unfortunately, Americans ignorant simply because they refuse to ask WHY. Don’t just read this article and laugh, smile, or change how you do weddings, make sure after you read this you start questioning EVERYTHING you do. Most of Americans traditions are unnecessary and senseless, but you’ll never know following the bandwagon, you’ll only know examining the wagon.



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Casey Bell

Proud uncle, writer (author, poet, songwriter, playwright, screenwriter, drama series), fashion designer, graphic designer, visual artist, and so much more.